Home Stretch: Parenting Kids from 16-21
dirt track date -- Saturday, February 22, 2003 -- 06:38:39 PMI thought this subject deserved its own thread because I have learned so much, and enjoyed reading so much, stories from TPW'ers getting their kids ready to leave home. I've NOT enjoyed the FAFSA stories, but I hope to learn more about the perils of applying for college.
Renamed on 7/24/03.
This thread is tagged: teenagers(All users will see what tags exist for a thread. Please tag carefully!)
Lori- thanks this is exactly what I would say about someone else's kid- but always harder when it is your own. Could we have a little gratitude please.
I completely understand. You want to give them every chance to excel. But at the same time, he's old enough to understand and to say he understands. You can't always get what you want. But he's getting what he needs.
I would still encourage looking into the joint study abroad/internship idea. If there are fees at all, they will be significantly less (if there is any charge at all) since he is already over there. He can probably get info on this from the EAP at his home university.
Yes- I think there is an opputunity for an internship in Germany. He is getting to be near fluent in German and once he is there for a while, I'm sure he will be fluent.Or he can look into an internship after he finishes his junior year there. But it makes no sense to run off to China and then run off to Germany- esp if it's going to cost me a bunch of extra money. Because I want to go to Germany (we have been saving money for us to take a trip while he is there and I want to go on a warm weather vacation and damn it, I'm 52 so I get to spend my money on that.Lori as for the car, our kids don't have one. We let my duaghter take one of our two cars to college her senior year- it was a small inconvenience for us- but made it easier for her to get around to job interviews and just nicer overall. Son we have told if the car is still alive he can take it for his senior year. That's what you get.
ciao- thanks for you input. I liked the site very much. There is a meeting he is going to next week with all the details on the program in Germany. An internship with Seimans had been brought up earlier- but I don't know if that was definate and a certain someone is in a very huffy mood if we ask him questions.
Siemans is a very good company to internship for. Also I don't know what he already has in place, but you may suggest he take a look at this DAAD RISE (Research Internships in Science and Engineering)
Wilma,
In nearly the same breath as our hearts swelled for J., we are profoundly disappointed by our son A.'s attitude of entitlement. He is here in town at the state's flagship university, living on campus for now (not for next year since space is so limited and he "missed" the opportunity to apply to be on campus next year). It's very cheap and that's about right because he isn't very motivated to excel. Grades are ok, but he hasn't been challenged yet.
Our deal with him is that he must handle his personal expenses. He has spent his graduation gift funds and the meager amount he made last summer. The meal plan is inadequate in his eyes, picky eater that he is, and he really doesn't want to live at home for the summer since he doesn't want to have to have a curfew. My husband is pissed and seeing red. I just figure this is a natural consequence. Funds are finite, and life goes on.
DH had lunch with him today and is too angry to speak. I'll have lunch with him tomorrow but I doubt he'll make me as angry. I figure this is the college-age equivalent to a tantrum. Expected for the developmental age but limited by time. I'll just let the money fade away....
Marsie- I know how you feel. Last night he told us he would be "too busy" to talk to us tonight. I try not to be too anxious- I figure he will probably turn out okay.
True, but it will pass, depending on how you handle it. It sounds to me as if backing off might be a good idea. Don't get sucked in to arguing about it. You put your cards on the table, this is what we have to offer, and you back off. There's no reason why a college student can't work over the summer to earn money for the year. There's no reason at all to feel guilty for not footing the bill for your son to go to China *especially* since he's going to Germany.
Marsie, can you be more flexible about a curfew?
It does pass, I promise you. Stand firm! Our daughter was nasty about it too for a while, but time and maturity happened. We just had a lovely visit with her over the weekend, and my husband pointed out sotto voce how much more mature and welcoming and, well, grateful, she is. Before it was rude, selfish teenager behavior -- now she is more balanced and comfortable and cognizant of her blessings. She posted on facebook after the visit, "yay for a home-cooked meal!" and I had to laugh. Because she never would have appreciated that before.
We paid for our daughter to go to China (for grad school credit, so O/T for this thread) and though it was expensive, it resulted in a phenomenal master's project and thesis, plus a very funny and illuminating personal slideshow project afterwards.
But earlier we'd paid for prep schools and all of her college board and tuition, so she basically graduated without debt. There were other very stressful issues related to her late teen years, so I was still the Evil Queen Bitch from Hell at that point, but the issues were never about entitlement. She had babysitting jobs starting at eleven and worked in a retail store at 15, and then an ice cream shop weeknights during high school after practice, and then held summer jobs at a golf course through college, so she knew the value of earning money. And she expressed thanks that we'd left her debt free after college.
However, it wasn't until she was married that she really recognized the value of what we'd done for her, when she saw the struggle her husband had to pay off his college loans. Then, she was even more appreciative.
So, you do what you can, and sort out what's reasonable and what's not and what you can realistically do -and what you want to do or don't want to do for them. Even if the youngster seems ungrateful or entitled now, most likely that will change as they mature. Especially if they don't get everything they want.
I'm kind of worried about this scenario in the future for my daughter, who is already inclined to feel over-entitled. I hope I can be strong and stick with firmly saying NO.
I think if you think about her going into a workplace and all the older employees getting on to a discussion board complaining about the lazy interns with huge senses of entitlements, you'll be strong.
I think I've been pretty flexible about the curfew, but the truth is I am a light sleeper and I don't sleep well to begin with. So if I can't relax until the car is parked, I'll be a mess for work the next day. So my stance is that someone has to wait up. If his sisters aren't around and/or willing, he needs to be in by midnight if I have to work the next day. Sometimes my husband the night owl is up until 2 or so working so if he anticipates that he can wait up. On the weekends, I wait up.
Marsie, with all due respect that is ridiculous. He's in college and he has a curfew because you can't sleep while he's out? Someone has to wait up?
Behaving in an immature manner would seem to go hand in hand with this. I don't mean to offend you, truly, but I find the above mindboggling.
If that is the way things are, I don't know that I'd expect much maturity in response.
Even my parents didn't wait up when I was in college. My mom grumbled once at me for getting in at two AM on a weeknight, but I maintained that as long as I was getting up in time to get to work, she had no beef. She reluctantly agreed and that was the end of it.